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Vocalists

What's the difference between a girl singer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.

A female vocalist asked her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny Valentine' again tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz it up'?"
 
Keyboard player replied, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G# minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in ? time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!"
 
She exclaimed, "That might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!"
 
Keyboard player responded, "Well, it shouldn't be--that's how you sang it last night!"

Soprano Jokes:

If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)
  1. The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
  2. Who cares?

What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
The lipstick.
What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
The jewelry.
How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
  1. One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
  2. Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it.
  3. Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.

What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro offensive lineman?
Stage makeup.
What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
About 10 pounds.
How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat?
Some people actually like sewer rats.
What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra?
One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.
How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
The horses seem very relieved.

What's the definition of an alto?
A soprano who can sightread.

A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told "Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem--God's girlfriend gets to sing."


Alto Jokes:

What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?
Tenors don't have hair on their backs.
How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  1. None. They can't get that high.
  2. Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?"

Tenor Jokes:

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes.
How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.
How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Where is a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.
What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three men and a tenor.

Did you hear about the tenor who announced that in the following season he would only sing three title roles: Othello, Samson, and Forza del Destino? (true story)


If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea.


Bass Jokes

How do you tell if a bass is actually dead?
Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).
How do you tell if a bass is dead?
  1. What's the difference?
  2. Who cares?

In the last act of Don Giovanni, there is always a statue which is replaced at some point by a real singer, a bass (the Commendatore). How can you tell when the switch has occurred?
The "statue" starts looking a bit stiff.
How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.

High School Chorus Jokes

What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance?
The tennis final has more men.
How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance?
The performance causes more suffering.
Why do high school choruses travel so often?
Keeps assassins guessing.
What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.
What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.
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