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Q:  What's the difference between a female band leader and a pit bull?
A:   Lipstick

"Wagner's music has beautiful moments but some bad quarters of an hour."
"Richard Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
-- Mark Twain
"A critic is like a eunuch: he knows exactly how it ought to be done."
"A drummer is a musician's best friend."
from a Martin Mull album.
"The present day composer refuses to die."
-- Edgar Varese
"Beethoven had an ear for music."
-- anonymous

Did you hear that Mr. Solfege had a dog?
His name was feedo.
What do you get when you put a diminished chord together with an augmented chord?
1. A demented chord.
2. A demolished chord.
How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
...hmm...I don't know...what do you think?
A first violinist, a second violinist, a virtuoso violist, and a bass player are at the four corners of a football field. At the signal, someone drops a 100 dollar bill in the middle of the field and they run to grab it. Who gets it?
The second violinist, because:
  1. No first violinist is going anywhere for only 100 dollars.
  2. There's no such thing as a virtuoso violist.
  3. The bass player hasn't figured out what it's all about.

Why did the Philharmonic disband?
Excessive sax and violins.

Borodin nothing to do!!

Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.

Haydn's Chopin Liszt at Vivaldi's:

  • Rossini and cheese
  • Schumann polish
  • Bern-n-stein remover
  • Satie mushrooms
  • batteries (Purcell)
  • BeethOVEN cleaner
  • Hummel microwave meals
  • orange Schubert
  • TchaiCOUGHsky drops
  • marshMahlers
  • Honey-nut Berlioz
  • Cui-tips
  • Chef Boyardee Raveli
  • sour cream and Ives
  • Strauss (straws)
  • chocolate Webers (wafers)
  • Del Monteverdi corn
  • Mozart-rella cheese
  • I Can't Believe it's not Rutter
  • Bach of serial (opera)
  • chicken Balakirev
  • new door Handel
  • Golden Brahms
  • Clemen-TEA
  • Little Debussy snack cakes
  • Oscar Meyerbeer bologna

An E-flat,  C, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says:

"Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat.  An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying,

"Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.  Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims,

"Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined  shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says,

"You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development."

This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at the Paul Williams correctional facility.

 On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the sopranout in the bathroom, and everything has become altoo much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar.