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Trumpet Jokes

 Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
A: Seven- if you lay them out correctly.

The horn section of a jazz combo was on the way to a gig and were killed in a tragic car accident. When they arrived in heaven, God personally greeted them at the front gate and asked each of them who they were and what they did on earth.

The first person said, "I was a tenor sax player and I made people happy with my wonderful music."

The second person said, "I was a trombone player and I taught people the love of music."

The third person said, "I was a trumpet player and I believe you are sitting in my chair."

Ron Collier, a very well known arranger was rehearsing a big band assembled to play arrangements of the "Canadiana Suite" by Oscar Peterson. At some point plunger mutes were required and all the trumpet players but one got them out.

Ron said: "Hey man, the part says plunger mute, where's your mute?"
The trumpet player replies: "I don't have one".
Ron: "I can't believe that! How can you not have a plunger?"
Player: "Well, I don't have one!"
Ron: "Listen, what the hell do you do at home when your toilet backs up?"
Player: "I use a harmon".

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
I don't know either.

Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.

What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. I'm better than you."
How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
The doorbell shrieks!
Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
He's too sensitive.

A guy sees a trumpet playing friend of his, hasn't seen him for ages, asks him how he's been doing.  " Oh, just great! " says the guy. " I'm doing all the major film calls, for Jerry Goldsmith, John Williams and that bunch, also I've been touring with top groups, I'm first trumpet on the tonight show, I just cut a CD with Quincy Jones and I have five solos  on it, and I sub on the L.A. Philharmonic from time to time.  What about you? " 

" Oh, well, " the guy says, " you know I hate to admit it, but I'm still doing that little organ trio on Tuesday nights at the bowling alley ".

" Hmmm.... " says the other guy " you know who's booking that gig ?"

In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all.

After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!"

What's the difference between a trumpet player and a pizza?
The pizza actually CAN feed a family of 4.

Musical offenses for Trumpeters and their associated fines

Playing highest note possible in warm-up—$100
Sound-checking mic with obnoxious jazz licks—$15
Raising hand after mistake—$15
Practicing multiple tongueing not called for on gig—$15
Blacking out after high note—$20
Obnoxiously show—offy during warm-up—$25
Taking tuning note up an octave—$25
Vibrato on unison passage—$50
Failure to use 3rd valve slide—$50
Playing B-flat when band tunes to A—$75
Being told by conductor to play louder—$400
Failure to swing—$1000

Lead player offenses

Changing mouthpieces mid-song—$15
Faking section into early entrance—$10
Faking self into early entrances—$50
Missing high lick, then mentioning previous gig(s)—$25
Asking conductor if it's OK to take a lick up—$25
Asking conductor if it's OK to take a lick down—$400
Taking a lick down that you took up in rehearsal—$100
Missing last note of "In the Mood"—$200

Section/non-lead player offenses

Missing entrance when lead drops out—$15
Pointing out to the lead that guy on the record took that last lick up—$20
Attempting unassigned lick biffed by lead—$50
Asking lead what mouthpiece he uses—$75
Hanging over past lead on last chord—$100
Attempting to out-screech lead on last chord—$100
Successfully out-screeching lead at any time—$500

Equipment offenses

Playing with screw on rim—$10
Polishing horn on stage—$15
Dropping mute—$10
Dropping horn—Repairs + $20
Dropping Dead—Warning
Forgetting pencil—$20
Forgetting Mute(s)—Each $50
Forgetting bow-tie or socks—$30
Forgetting Mouthpiece— $30
Forgetting Mags—$100
Blaming mistake on sticky valves—$25
Getting marble or similar object stuck down bell—$750

Criminal bad taste

Having nicest gig-bag in section—$10
Talking about the great deal you got on a new horn—$10
Hawking old horn on bandstand—$10
Quoting a Herb Alpert or Mangione song—$250
Farting on bandstand—$25
Defecating on bandstand—$75
Practicing legit style on swing gig— $35
Discussing how plentiful gigs were in the old days—$50
Beginning a sentence with "When I played for Kenton"—$50
Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you also play keyboards—$100

Basic stupidity

Wearing old MF tour shirt—$15
Wearing new MF tour shirt—$25
Playing on a Jet-tone mouthpiece—$20
Continually asking "Where are we?"—$25
Drunkenness on stage—$25
Stonedness on stage—$50
Sobriety on stage—$75
Pretending to be friends with a bone player—$50
Actually being friends with a bone player—$200
Dating a bone player—$750
Loaning money to bone player—4x amount loaned
Sitting next to conductor at meals—$100