Musician Jokes‎ > ‎

Genre

Misc. Jazz/Folk/Rock/Country/Blues/Popular

What did the deadhead say when he ran out of pot?
Oh wow, this band really does suck.

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?
A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.
How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who do like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.
What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."
"Hey, buddy, how late do the filkers play?"
"Oh, about half a beat behind..."
What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.
How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. "One, two, three, one, two, three..."
  2. "Hey man, I just do sound."
  3. One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
Start with two million.
How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.
  2. "Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"

How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?
Put it in the oven until its (it's) Bill Withers.

Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?"

"It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton.

"What's a Lawrence Welk?" Micheal asks.

Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."


Angus was asked why there were drones on the bagpipe when they make such a distressing sound. He answered, "Without the drones, I might as well be playing the piano."


Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says "I was a jazz musician...kill me now!"


Top 25 Country Songs of ALL Time:

25) Get Your Tongue Otta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
24) I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself or Go Bowling
23) If I Can't Be Number One, Then Number Two On You
22) I Sold A Car To A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run So Good
21) Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
20) If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
19) She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles
18) How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
17) I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot You
16) You Broke My Heart So I Broke Your Nose
15) I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
14) I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
13) I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
12) I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
11) I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You
10) If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
09) My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don't Love You
08) My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him
07) Please Bypass This Heart
06) She Got the Ring and I Got The Finger
05) You Done Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
04) You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
03) Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
02) She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And the No. 1 Favorite Country Song:
01) I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With a
Few!


I was playing in a night club, and getting few requests and small tips. Towards the end of the night, a man walked up with a wad of bills in his hand and asked me to play a jazz chord. I played an Amaj7.

He said, "No, no. A jazz chord."

I did a little improvisational thing, but he didn't like that either.

"No, no, no! A jazz chord. You know, 'A jazz chord, to say, ah love you.'"


Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.


A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you that you have cancer and you have only one more year to live."

The Jazz musician replied, "And what am I going to live on for an entire year?"

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