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Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama  about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone,  Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all  present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these  superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to  portray, as long as they were famous.

 "Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

 "Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him."

 "I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall.  "I'd like to play him."

 Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."  Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"
  
Arnold, in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."


Musician's Theory of Relativity:

E  =  Fb


What's the first thing a musician says at work?

"Would you like fries with that?"

Gene Lees asked Art Farmer about his twin brother Addison.
"How do you tell yourselves apart?"
Without a trace of a smile, Art replied, "When I get up in the morning I pick up the bass, and if I can't play it, I must be Art."

GREAT LIES OF THE MUSIC BUSINESS

1.      The booking is definite
2.      Your check's in the mail
3.      We can fix it in the mix
4.      This is the best dope you've ever had
5.      The show starts at 8
6.      My agent will take care of it
7.      I'm sure it will work
8.      Your tickets are at the door
9.      It sounds in tune to me
10.     Sure, it sounds fine at the back of the hall
11.     I know your mic is on
12.     I checked it myself
13.     The roadie took care of it
14.     She'll be backstage after the show
15.     Yes, the spotlight was on you during your solo
16.     The stage mix sounds just like the program mix
17.     It's the hottest pickup I could get
18.     The club will provide the PA and lights
19.     I really love the band
20.     We'll have it ready by tonight
21.     We'll have lunch sometime
22.     If it breaks, we'll fix it for free
23.     We'll let you know
24.     I had nothing to do with your marriage breaking up. It was on the rocks long before I ever met you
25.     The place was packed
26.     We'll have you back next week
27.     Don't worry, you'll be the headliner
28.     It's on the truck
29.     My last band had a record deal, but we broke up before recording the album
30.     Someone will be there early to let you in
31.     I've only been playing for a year
32.     I've been playing for 20 years
33.     We'll have flyers printed tomorrow
34.     I'm with the band
35.     The band drinks free
36.     You'll get your cut tonight
37.     We'll supply someone for the door
38.     You'll have no problem fitting that bass cabinet in the trunk of your car
39.     There'll be lots of roadies when you get there
40.     It's totally compatible with your current program
41.     You'll have plenty of time for a soundcheck
42.     This is one of Jimi's old Strats
43.     We'll definitely come to the gig
44.     You can depend on me

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I think I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."


Four guys are walking down the street and see a sign that says, "Old Timer's
Bar - ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!" They all look at each other with a puzzled look
and decide to go inside to check it out. An old bartender says in a voice
that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you!
What'll it be, Gentlemen?" There seems to be a fully-stocked bar, so the men
each ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced
martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each,
please." The four men look in shock at the bartender, not believing their luck in
finding this place, and pay him the 40 cents. They soon finish their
martinis and order another round. Again, they receive four excellent
martinis and the bartender says, "That's 40 more cents, please." They pay
the 40 cents, but now their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've
each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis
as good as these for a dime apiece?"

The bartender says, "I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn and I always wanted
to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to
open this place just for the fun of it. Every drink costs a dime. Wine,
liquor, beer, it's all the same."

"Wow, that's quite a story," says one of the men.

The four of them continued to sip their martinis and couldn't help but
notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in
front of them and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks
the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender replies, "Oh, they're all musicians. They're waiting for happy
hour."


Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?
Because most shops close by six thirty.
What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
What's the difference between a conductor and a stagecoach driver?
The stagecoach driver only has to look at four horses' asses.
The stages of a musician's life:
  1. Who is name?
  2. Get me name.
  3. Get me someone who sounds like name.
  4. Get me a young name.
  5. Who is name?

There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.


A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance."


Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."

St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."

"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."

"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"


St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"

The man says, "I was a doctor."

St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"

"I was a school teacher."

"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?"

"I was a musician."

"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."


A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."

A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"

The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.

Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"

The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a musician."

The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"


Why is a laundromat a bad place for a musician to pick up women?
 Women who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.


Famous Musician Quotes

My sole inspiration is a telephone call from a producer.   - - Cole Porter

Don't bother to look, I've composed that already. 
- - Gustav Mahler to Bruno Walter,
     who had stopped to admire mountain scenery in rural Austria.

I would rather play "Chiquita Banana" and have my swimming pool than play Bach and starve.    - - Xavier Cugat

[Musicians] talk of nothing but money and jobs. Give me businessmen every time. They really are interested in music and art. 
- - Jean Sibelius, explaining why he rarely invited musicians to his home.

The amount of money one needs is terrifying.  - - Ludwig van Beethoven

Only become a musician if there is absolutely no other way you can make a living.
- - Kirke Mecham, on his life as a composer

I am not handsome, but when women hear me play, they come crawling to my feet.
- - Niccolo Paganini

Flint must be an extremely wealthy town: I see that each of you bought two or three seats.   - - Victor Borge, playing to a half-filled house in Flint, Mich.

If one hears bad music it is one's duty to drown it by one's conversation. 
- - Oscar Wilde

Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back legs together.  - - Mel Brooks

Life can't be all bad when for 10 dollars you can buy all the Beethoven sonatas and listen to them for 10 years.    - - William F. Buckley Jr.

You can't possibly hear the last movement of Beethoven's Seventh and go slow.
- - Oscar Levant, explaining his way out of a speeding ticket

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.   - - Mark Twain

I love Beethoven, especially the poems.   - - Ringo Starr

If a young man at the age of 23 can write a symphony like that, in five years he will be ready to commit murder.   - - Walter Damrosch on Aaron Copland

There are still so many beautiful things to be said in C major.   - - Sergei Prokofiev

I never use a score when conducting my orchestra. Does a lion tamer enter a cage with a book on how to tame a lion?   - - Dimitri Mitropoulos

God tells me how the music should sound, but you stand in the way.
- - Arturo Toscanini to a trumpet player

"Already too loud!"   
- - Bruno Walter at his first rehearsal with an American orchestra, as the players   
     reached for their instruments

I really don't know whether any place contains more pianists than Paris, or whether you can find more asses and virtuosos anywhere.   - - Frederic Chopin

When she started to play, Steinway himself came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.    - - Bob Hope, on comedienne Phyllis Diller

Never look at the trombones, it only encourages them.   - - Richard Strauss

In opera, there is always too much singing.   - - Claude Debussy

Oh how wonderful, really wonderful, opera would be if there were no singers!
- - Gioacchino Rossini

Movie music is noise. It's even more painful than my sciatica.  
- - Sir Thomas Beecham

I think popular music in this country is one of the few things in the 20th century that has made giant strides in reverse.    - - Bing Crosby

Theirs' (the Beatles') is a happy, cocky, belligerently resourceless brand of harmonic primitivism . . . In the Liverpudlian repertoire, the indulged amateurishness of the musical material, though closely rivaled by the indifference of the performing style, is actually surpassed only by the ineptitude of the studio production method. "Strawberry Fields" suggests a chance encounter at a mountain wedding between Claudio Monteverdi and a jug band.    - - Glenn Gould

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