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Drummers

Percussionist Jokes

A Turkish drummer has had a lifelong ambition to visit America to study jazz
drumming with his idols. In order to earn enough money for the venture he has
joined 'Abdul Ahmed's Club Date Band,' which specializes in Turkish folk music
and is much renowned in the circuit of well-paid society gigs.

After saving up enough money he leaves the band and moves to New York where he
takes private lessons from his favorite drummers, Jack DeJohnette and Roy
Haynes.

After two years of hard study and penniless, he returns to Turkey, where
necessity once again forces him to join the famous Abdul Ahmed. Eager to show
off his recently acquired jazz licks, the drummer crams every available space
in the arrangements with fills and breaks of astonishing complexity, displaying
all of his breath-taking technique.

After enduring an hour of deafening pyrotechnics, Abdul Ahmed approaches the
drummer during the intermission and takes him to one side.

"You know, I think what you are doing is very nice. Very, very nice," he says
smiling patiently, "but all we need here is a simple backbeat on seven and
thirteen."

When Buddy Rich was checking into a hospital, the admitting nurse who filled out his admission form asked if he was allergic to anything. "Country and Western music", said Buddy.

One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he hid one of the drummer's sticks. After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven: "Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I'm a Conductor!"
What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Gifted.
Two drummers walk into a bar... which is funny because you would have figured the second one would have seen the first guy do it.
What do you call a Drummer driving a Volkswagen?
Farfromthinken
A horn player who had been playing with Buddy Rich for many years came back from vacation to hear a rumor that Buddy had died. He didn't quite believe it, so he phoned Buddy's wife and said "Can I speak to Buddy please?" Buddy's wife said, "I'm sorry, Buddy passed away last week." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," he said, and hung up. A couple of hours later, he called her again. "Is Buddy there please?" "No, I'm sorry. Buddy's no longer with us," said Buddy's wife. And hung up the phone. Ten minutes later, he called Buddy's wife again. "Can I speak to Buddy please?" he said. She recognized his voice, and said: "Look, I've told you before, BUDDY'S DEAD!" And slammed down the phone. Two minutes later, and the phone rang again... "Is Buddy at home please?" the horn player asked. Buddy's wife was furious. "I'm not going to tell you again, Buddy is dead.. D. E. A. D. DEAD. Why do you keep ringing me to ask for Buddy???!!!!" He thought for a moment, and said: "I just love hearing you say it."
Two girls are walking along when they hear... "Psst! Down here!" They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket. The other girl said, "What did you do that for?" The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!!!"
How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.
A lady walks into a store and tell the man behind the counter she would like some musician brains. "Alright" he says, "What kind?". "How much do they cost?" she asks. "Well, those there are trumpeters at $5 a pound, those are french horns at $7 a pound, and those are conductors' at $10 a pound." He replies. "What are those way back there?" she asks. "Those are drummers brains. They cost $100 a pound." He replies. "GOODNESS!!", she exclaims, "Why are they so expensive?" "Lady, do you realize how many drummers it takes to get a pound of brains?!?!".
Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
Me either.
An amateur drummer dies and goes to heaven. While he is waiting outside the pearly gates, he hears some incredibly fast drumming coming from within heaven. He immediately recognizes the playing, and asks St. Peter if that really is Buddy Rich playing drums in heaven. St. Peter responds: "No, that's God. He just thinks that he's Buddy Rich."
What does the average drummer get on an IQ test?
Drool.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummers.
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.
What does it mean when the drummer drools from both sides of his mouth?
The stage is level.
How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always speeds up & slows down.
How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.
Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
  1. "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
  2. Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
  3. Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
  4. Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
  5. None. They have a machine to do that.

Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.

Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"


Q:  What has 3 legs and an asshole?

A:  A Drum Stool!


In New York City, an out of work jazz drummer named Ed was thinking of throwing himself off a bridge. But then he ran into a former booking agent who told him about the fantastic opportunities for drummers in Iraq. The agent said "If you can find your way over there, just take my card and look up the bandleader named Faisal--he's the large guy with the beard wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curl up at the toes." Ed hit up everyone he knew and borrowed enough to buy transport to Iraq. It took several days to arrange for passport, visas, transportation into Iraq and the shipping of his equipment, but he was finally on his way.

Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal. He found guys in pajamas of every color but gold. Finally, in a small coffeehouse, he saw a huge man with a beard--wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curled up at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he was Faisal. He was. Ed gave him the agent's card and Faisal's face brightened into a huge smile.

"You're just in time--I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment."

"But," gasped Ed, "what about a rehearsal?"

"No time--don't worry." And with that, Faisal disappeared.

Ed arrived in the market at 7:00 to set up his gear. He introduced himself to the other musicians, who were all playing instruments he had never seen in his life. At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped on the bandstand, his gold pajamas glittering in the twilight. Without a word to the musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat.

"Wait." shouted Ed. "What are we playing?"

Faisal shot him a look of frustration and shouted back, "Fake it! Just give me heavy afterbeats on 7 and 13."


A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."

The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."

After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."

The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"

The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"

The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."


Why did the drummer stare at the carton of orange juice?
It said concentrate


Johnny comes home from school, and says to his mom, "Mommy, I learned the alphabet today! The rest of the class messed up around F, but I made it all the way through!" Johnny's mom says, "Very good, son. That's because you're a drummer." Johnny comes home the next day and screams, "Mommy, Mommy, I counted to a hundred today! Everyone else couldn't get past 60, but I made it all the way to 100!" And his mom says, "Excellent. That's because you're a drummer." The next day, Johnny comes home and says, "Mommy, the teacher measured everyone's height in class today, and I was taller than everyone. Is that 'cause I'm a drummer?" His mom shakes her head and says, "No, honey; that's because you're twenty-six."


What is the difference between a drummer and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

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