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Bass Jokes


After years of hiding the fact that the love was gone, the last child moved out of the house and Mom and Dad announced that they're getting a divorce.  The kids were totally distraught and paid for a session with the world's  most  famous marriage counselor as a last stab at keeping their parents together.

The counselor worked for hours, tried all of his methods, but the couple still wouldn't even talk to each other. Finally he went over to a closet, brought out a beautiful upright bass and began to play.   After a minute, the couple started talking. The therapist kept soloing on the bass and the couple discovered that they're actually not  that far apart and decided to give their marriage another try.

The kids were amazed and asked the doctor how he managed to do it. He  replied,   "I've never seen a couple that wouldn't talk through a bass solo."


Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune that even the singer noticed?


23rd Psalm for Jazz Bassists.

The Lord is my drummer; I shall not rush.
He maketh me to lay out in tasteful places;
He leadeth me beside cool meter changes;
He restoreth my "one."
He leadeth me in the right repeats for His name's sake. Yea, though I
read through the trickiest road maps, I will fear no train wrecks;
For You are with it;
Your ride and Your snare, they comfort me.
You setteth up a solo for me
In the presence of mine guitarists;
You annointeth my lines with drive;
My groove overflows.
Surely good feel and swing will follow me All the tunes of each set,
And I will dwell in the pocket the whole gig long.
Amen.

How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the guitarist has to show him how first.


How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
1...5...1... (1...4...5...5...1)

A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah.

He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?"

The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"


At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!"
The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight."
The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"


Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of house.

Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was.

"Great," says Joe. "You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom Boom'--well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time."


There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time.

A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time.

Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while."

After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play French bow or German bow?"


BASS SOLOS:

  • Jazz band w/upright -- everybody stops but the piano 
    player vamping lightly, the bassist goes way up the 
    neck with a lot of badly intonated poopity poop poop 
    formless twiddling, with optional grimacing & 
    grunting. Bar chatter goes up. 
  • Hybrid blues-rock w/Rickenbacker -- bassist going off 
    on extended noodling (also in the high register and 
    sounding like pop-pop poopity poopity poop, only much 
    louder, maybe with EFX). Guitar player can't count 
    to12 and steps in to attempt drunken riff-based call & 
    response pissing match. Drummer rises to the 
    challenge. Organist goes to the bar. 
     
  • Funk w/exotic wood plank -- Band drops out except for 
    drums, bass solo sounds like small-screen version of 
    Normandy Invasion, lots of chattering machine gun 
    poppitypoppitypoppitypoppity SLAP. Not as prone to 
    high register noodling though. Mid-neck assault and 
    slightly back-bent posture, right hand/thumb to appear 
    as a flailing blur. Don't attempt to look serene and 
    spiritual doing this unless you are Vic Wooten. Can 
    sound like angry chattering squirrels throwing nuts at 
    a tin roof..... unless you are Vic Wooten. 
     
  • Classic Blues w/ Fender P -- There are no bass solos. 
    Don't. Exception: One real slow showpiece grinder at 
    the end of the set...keep the sludgy bottom groove 
    while the rest of the band backs way off so people can 
    marvel at the thick pelvis pushing thump AND the 
    absolute lack of definition in those 30-yr-old BBQ 
    sauce & nicotine - crusted flatwounds. The audience 
    loves to cheer for the quiet kid on the non-flashy 
    instrument. Once. 
     
  • Bluegrass w/ Kay upright (say "string bass" or 
    "doghouse")
    -- only once per night, and the rest of 
    the band just plays lightly the downbeat chords for 
    each section, the bass player keeps playing the same 
    1-5 pattern finishing up with a slightly flashy and 
    attention-getting three note ascending run back to 
    one. Pentatonic minor is a hanging offense, eighth 
    notes are edgy. 
     
  • Country w/Peavey -- No solos. Ever. Bluegrass is the 
    country version of jazz (chops-focused), if you want a 
    solo go there. Roots are deep, keep them there. Fifths 
    always work in country. Maybe if it's a loose night 
    you can play a solo in "mama don't allow", but it 
    better be the normal boogie-woogie arpeggio. Extended 
    chords invite flying bottles. Keep it Dorian. 
     
  • Nu-punk-grass -- hippie guys with fiddles and 
    mandolins and kilts and dobros and dreadlocks and 
    overalls with no shirts and the bass player is a young 
    college symphony guy who met the banjo player at a 
    party and they shared a hand-rolled cigarette and the 
    most amazing tri-tone arco ragas entered the cosmic 
    flow, maaaaaan....... 
     
  • Coffee-house w/fretless boutique bass – Sensitive 
    Singer-Songwriter takes break from introspective 
    lyrical navel-gazing and gives bassist an entire 
    spaciously empty verse in a landscape of pastel 
    wanderey DADGAD-tuned acoustic guitar. Bassist – rip 
    thru some pseudo Jaco Manring cliches – furious 
    Phyrgian fretless smeary honks, growls and noodles, 
    sliding chords with pointlessly overdone clusters of 
    harmonics. Sounds like angry cows in a rainstorm.
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