Musician Jokes

Blessed is he that can laugh at himself, for he will always be amused
Jim Gambrill

 

There are TONS of musician jokes here... pick your favorite category!

 
Accordion Banjo Bass 'Cello
Chang Clarinet Conductors

Definitions

Double-Reeds Drummers Flute/Piccolo French Horn
General Genre Guitar Haikus
How Jazz Works Lute & Harp Orchestra Piano & Organ
Producers Quotable Roadies/Sound Saxophone
Trombone Trumpet Tuba Unclassified
Viola Violin Vocalists

 

Here are a few samples to whet your appetite........


Q: What do you call a guy who likes to hang out with musicians?
A: A drummer!


Q: What does it mean when the drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth?
A:
The stage is level.


Q: What's the difference between a trumpet player and a pizza?
A: A pizza actually CAN feed a family of 4.


Q: What's the rarest phrase in the English language?
A: "That's the trombone player's BMW"


Definition - Gentleman: someone who can play the accordian, but WON'T.


What do you call a trombone player with a cell phone and a beeper?

  • 1. An optimist
  • 2. Bill Gingrich!


Definition - String Quartet: The Russian Symphony Orchestra after a U.S. tour!


What do you call a beautiful girl on a drummer's arm - - a tattoo!


Tuba player in a limousine: a.k.a. the Chauffeur!


Kenny G walked out of an elevator, saying, "Man, that place really ROCKS!"


What's the last thing a drummer says before he's thrown out of the band?
"Let's play one of MY songs"


What was the epitaph on the blues player's gravestone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."


What do you throw a drowning guitar player?
His amp.


How do you make a guitar player play softer?
Put a chart in front of him.


How do you make a keyboard player play softer?
Take his chart away.


How do you get two soprano sax players to play a minor second apart?
Have them read off the same chart.


How do you get two guitar players to play in counterpoint?
Have them read off the same chart.


How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.


General Custer and his aide were in the fort.
The aide said, "General, I don't like the sound of those drums."
From over in the hills you hear a voice yell, "He's not our regular drummer."


How many engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
1) "Is that an analog bulb or a digital bulb?"
2) "It's in the manual, You DID READ THE MANUAL, DIDN'T YOU?"
3) "That's visual. I only do audio"


How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?
"I don't know. What do you think?"


How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.


How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; the piano player does it with his left hand.


How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. Five. One. Five. One. Five.


How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?
"One, two, three; one, two, three."


How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.


How does a soprano change a lightbulb?
She just holds on and the world revolves around her.


How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they can't get up that high.


How many jazz pianists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Screw the changes, we'll fake it.


How many union roadies does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eleven. You got a problem with that?!


How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb,
and the other four to tell him how much better they could've done it.


Why are classical conductors so in demand as organ donors?
Because their hearts have barely been used.


What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A viola burns a little longer.


Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?
It took him 45 minutes to get his drums, the bass amp, and the bass player out.


The bass player came tearing out a club in hot pursuit of another guy.
The bouncer asked him, "What's the problem?"
Puffed the bassist "That guy turned one of my tuning pegs, and he won't tell me which one."


My therapist told me to achieve inner peace, I must learn to finish what I start. Today I finished 2 bags of potato chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

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